Simple Joys, Infinite Bliss

Sweet comrades,

I started the post below on Thursday or Friday last week and have come back to it after a beautiful and deeply nurturing holiday. I thought I aught to finish it, but I also wanted to speak to something that has been moving me these past few weeks -- the time with family and friends engrossed in the holiday has only revealed it more clearly.

I am one who believes her work is never done, always striving for growth and knowing. Tangled in that is so much grasping at being, doing, and having that what is at my heart has often gotten lost -- as you may have gleamed from past posts. Recently, though, I feel a great shift. I thought, you of anyone else, might pay witness.

As I seek control, my mind wants to pin point it to one thing, and yet I am practiced enough at least to know that it has been every little thing, finely orchestrated, so this turn might be taken. No true decision need be made -- the answer revealed.

I have been at a cross-roads for the past year or more; a transition has beckoned within my work and my life to be more authentic, to trust myself, to risk complete and harrowing exposure of my deepest desire to be seen and be of service. Each decision I've made in the last six months has been like moving a chess piece, one by one, question and corresponding answer, the path unfolding with brilliant and growing clarity.

I have examined my heart, my talents, my desires, my joys, my efforts (true and false), my motivations, my love, my pain and I have chosen to let my guard down, to retire those steadfast warriors to the side pursuant to a true, wise life.

Being at Shambhala with you, with Susan, and on my own was a huge piece of this unfolding. I've made a decision to write and be in the world as a writer. I've made a decision to be open to criticism and charge it with the eager anticipation of growth rather than defensiveness and anger. I've decided to risk what's been working, what everyone has said "you're so good at" and light it up with rocket fuel and shoot for the moon, loop around the stars and explore infinite, uncertain and glorious space.

I feel a great shift in me. I sit now and look out my window and feel different -- something permanent and tangible. Generosity like I have never known is surfacing. I have a vision of myself sitting on a mountain top, a place between ground and heaven, legs folded on a gilded cushion, smiling, seeing my life like frames of a movie reel. Perfect wholeness. It is my journey and I am finally in awe of it, knowing the truth of it's purpose. I am giddy to feel the things I have grasped at turn into unquestionable truths. I think, yes they are on there way, but they will not make you anymore complete than you are right now. You have all you have wished for. It has always been there.

Mist surrounding my be-ing in this world, a confidant to love and embrace. I will go forward into it's shimmering beauty knowing myself better, fearless.


***

I wake up in the morning and am filled with a subtle longing.

The heavy gates of sleep recede and the weight of darkness lightens. I am not yet awake and yet not still dreaming. I wait in anticipation for my 6 year-old son to crawl in for a sweet moment of snuggling. His beautiful face close to mine, his soft delicate skin radiating warmth, his small long body a tiny copy of my own.

Hanging to sleep like a slow drip of honey, a craving surfaces. I don't move and yet there is a stirring in my body. My mind remembers - silky, oily richness. Steaming, you can taste it's deep dark answer. Coffee. Like uncovering a precious golden treasure. My copper pot awaits the slow familiar process: bubble, reduce, foam, reduce, foam, rest. Sip. Quiet.

Ten feet of eastward window calls me to the living room where the sun slides into composition. Hidden behind rooftops and the wiry bulk of winter limbs, you can see only glow. Sitting on the bank of still water, a mind more clear and open, before doing dictates and the day's task take hold, my thoughts like clay. Just a moment...please. A moment, quiet. My soul revealed, raw, exposed from that other world, cleansed by ether and mist, dark and unafraid.

I welcome the day. What part of self will remain till tomorrow?